 After a half-hour, one of the interns, Jann, complained that the tape in his Walkman started playing very fast, and soon after his Timex Indiglo watch flashed very brightly for an instant before the crystal broke, ruining the watch (Even though Jann was warned beforehand that Revolting would not reimburse him for any expenses incurred during the capture, he tried to get us to buy him a new watch anyway. We fired him.) Soon after, a small spacecraft landed near the bait, and a 6-foot-tall alien pilot jumped out of the port, holding a bucket in one skinny-fingered hand, and a pair of tongs in the other. Its small mouth was exuding a large quantity of phosphorescent goo, which we presume was hunger-induced drool. According to the other intern, Tina, the alien looked like a leafless, animated tree, topped with a large triangular head. "There was no cock or pussy on it," she noted later. As soon as the alien approached the bait and began to reach with the tongs, Jann and Tina ambushed it, shocking it with the cattle prod and wrapping it tightly in the aluminum net. "It made a really weird scream, like one of those plunger whistles," said Jann. "And goo was dripping out of it like crazy." The slimy, whistling creature was thrown into the trunk of the car, and taken to Revolting's product testing laboratories in the Hunter's Point area of San Francisco. Our technicians strapped it face down on a desk and inserted a custom-made rectal probe into what we guessed was the creature's anus. "We didn't figure the alien to have such a tiny asshole, it was like a pinhole," said Isabele, Revolting's lead technician. "Our probe had the diameter of rolling pin, so I expended much effort getting it all the way up its butt. The creature's odd modulated wailing increased in volume considerably at this point." After the probe was secure, the technicians turned the video monitor on. "We were expecting to see temperature, partial pressure charts of various gasses, and so on," said Isabele, "but instead, we started getting all sorts of old television shows." After examining the images, Revolting has determined that the gray aliens have been absorbing television transmissions from Earth for decades. We watched the Salvador Dali Alka-Seltzer commercial, part of an episode of Masterpiece Theater's "Tom Brown's Schooldays," and some great Candid Camera stunts. "I liked the one where the lady in the office was wearing a beard, and freaked out the delivery man," said Jann, shortly before he asked us to buy him a new watch. After removing the probe, and shutting down the equipment, we tried communicating with the alien. It soon learned how to transform its siren noise into something resembling human speech. At that point, we offered it an internship in exchange for as many bull penises and cow vaginas it cared to eat. The creature, who calls itself Woopwoop, accepted. Look for a series of essays written by Woopwoop about its thoughts on Earth in future issues of Revolting! |
